Dear Merlin Fanfiction
by Citiesofowls
Summary: What if the cast of Merlin somehow got their hands on fanfiction? Well I imagine they would have something to say about it! The cast of Merlin writes letters to the authors of fanficton- you guys! Originally from Scarlet Phlame, I have permission.
1. Chapter 1

**Story idea shamelessly stolen from the creative and talented ****_Scarlet Phlame._**** The characters from the BBC's Merlin write letters to the authors of the many fanfictions in this genre. Chaotic hilarity, I'm sure.**

**Merlinus non habent, et ego numquam scandalizabor.**

* * *

Dear Fanfiction,

What is whump? Is that a type of music? You certainly have a lot of stories with that particular tag. I think it's actually the most popular type of story on this site.

Sincerely,  
Merlin

Dear Fanfiction,

I looked up what whump is. You are all sick, disgusting people.

Sincerely,  
Merlin

P.S. I laughed at one of the less violent Arthur whump stories. But don't tell Arthur, he'd probably angst me to death.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey, round two. Same disclaimers as previously stated. Scarlet Phlame rocks. :)**

**Je ne possède pas Merlin, et je ne le ferai jamais.  
**

* * *

Dear Fanfiction,

I don't know why you ship me with Prince Arthur! I mean really, how could a lowly serving girl like me end up with the future king of Camelot? It's ridiculous. I have a better chance with Merlin, for goodness sake!

Sincerely,  
Season 1 Gwen

Dear Fanfiction,

Why on Earth do you persist in shipping Merlin and I? I am clearly taken. Permanently. As in, I am married to King Arthur of Camelot and he will likely take Merlin's head off if he tries anything. And while yes, I did flirt a bit with him when we first met, but that doesn't mean anything. I flirt with everybody I first meet! Honestly, I think Gaius is the only male character I haven't flirted with at least a tiny bit at some point.

Sincerely,  
Season 5 Gwen

Dear Fanfiction,

Don't even think about shipping me with Morgana. There are so many things wrong with that ship, it's not even amusing.

Sincerely,  
Every Season Gwen


	3. Chapter 3

**Teehee here goes!**

**Ich besitze nicht Merlin, und ich habe nie wird.**

* * *

Dear Fanfiction,

What sorcery is this? I demand all perpetrators of this vile nonsense be put to dea- ooh they have Good!Uther fics? Interesting...

Leave now, guards. No one is to disturb me for the next eight hours unless the great dragon himself is attacking.

Sincerely,  
Uther


	4. Chapter 4

**Non possiedo Merlino, e non ho mai lo faro.**

* * *

Dear Fanfiction,

Why don't I ever get an OC pairing? Don't I deserve love too?

Sincerely,  
Gaius

Dear Fanfiction,

Stop giving me OC romances. I love Freya, and no one else will ever compare.

Sincerely,  
Merlin

P.S. Especially you, self-inserters.

Dear Fanfiction,

I don't understand your need to pair me with other people, especially OC's. I am literally married to Gwen on the show. If there were ever a reason to not ship me with someone, that would be it.

Sincerely Annoyed,

Arthur

P.S. Don't even mention ghost ships, I don't want to hear it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Nid wyf yn berchen Merlin, ac yr wyf byth yn bydd.**

* * *

Dear Fanfiction,

Please, use spellcheck. No one likes reading about how venerable Merlin really is, or how he shouldn't of done this or that. Get a beta if it's really such a struggle.

Well at least they tried.

Merlin! This is my letter, and I'll thank you to stay out of it!

I'm just saying, they at least took the time to write the story, even if they didn't have time to edit it.

Have you ever actually read a fanfiction like the ones we're talking about?

Well, no, but they can't be that bad.

*roughly ten minutes later*

Oh gosh. That was horrifying. Always check your work. *shudders*

I told you so.

Sincerely,

Arthur and Merlin


	6. Chapter 6

**не являюсь владельцем Мерлин, и я никогда не буду.**

Dear Fanfiction,

I really don't understand why you ship Merlin and I so avidly. I mean really, the very idea of the king's ward being in a relationship with a mere serving boy is preposterous. Even if he is pretty- well, pretty, I think Gwen is interested in him, and that is a much better match.

But he did seem pretty understanding about the whole dream thing. And he's really kind. And he helped me hide Mordred-

Oh wow. This guy is amazing. I ship it all the way. Yeah Morlin!

Sincerely,

1st season Morgana

P.S. please come up with a better ship name.

Dear Fanfiction,

Why would you ship me with that loathsome little cockroach? He can barely walk a straight line, yet somehow he is Arthur's closest confidant. How did that bumbling servant become so important? He continues to evade every effort to be rid of him, but I will succeed yet. But not too quickly. I do still need to get all the information out of him that I can, after all. And I am not convinced that he knows nothing about Emrys. I am not sure what he is hiding, but I will get it from him soon.

So in conclusion, he's still hot, but I kind of hate his guts now.

Sincerely,

5th season Morgana


	7. Chapter 7

**No soy dueño de Merlín, y nunca lo haré.**

Dear Fanfiction,

Oh dear. It would seem Merlin has discovered the fem!Merlin stories. I'm afraid this is going to go quite badly, he's known to be a bit touchy about things like this. Oh well, we'll just have to weather the storm of rage and wounded masculinity.

I personally don't really mind these fics. It is of course, completely weird and wrong to ship Merlin and Arthur (as his wife, I'm allowed to have an opinion on this), but beside that issue, it's not so bad. Merlin would make a pretty great woman, I think. It might be kind of nice actually, to have a female ear, since all my friends are men. Ooh, but he'd be so much prettier than me! No, that wouldn't do at all.

Sincerely,

Gwen

Dear Fanfiction,

This is priceless! There are whole stories where Merlin is a girl! Well, I always said he was, didn't I? I can't wait to see his face when he finds these. Some are a bit creepy, though. I mean, a female Merlin and me falling in love? That's disgusting. He'd be an ugly woman anyways.

No, I like the ones where he gets turned into a girl. Can you imagine? Not like he'd be all that different if that actually happened. He'd still be the same bumbling, softhearted, skinny idiot. I might not even notice.

Wait...

What if...

What if Merlin did get turned into a girl and I couldn't tell the difference? What if he's a girl right now?

That little weasel, getting genderswapped and not even telling me. I bet he's been hiding it so he can tell me on a quest and make me feel guilty about assigning him all the hard work. Actually, I feel a bit guilty now; I told him to clean the entire castle with a toothbrush this morning...

Meh, I'm sure he(she)'s fine.

Though that would explain his visits to the "tavern" for several days at a time every few weeks...

That settles it. Merlin is a girl. How am I going to tell Gawaine?

Sincerely,

Arthur

P.S. You know, I never thought Merlin would need his virtue protected from Gawaine. This should be interesting.

Dear Fanfiction,

Holy mother of an illegal gryphon. Why would you do such a thing.

I am a man, thank you very much, and I would prefer to remain so.

Do such spells even exist? Never mind. I don't want to know, and I certainly don't want to know if Gaius knows.

Also, if I were a girl disguised as a man, someone would be bound to notice. I live with Gaius, Morgana could tell magically, Gwen does my laundry, I get drunk frequently with Gawaine, and even Arthur's not _that_ dense.

Plot issues aside, why do you want me to be a woman? Most of you are girls, right? I guess I should be flattered by the guys who write me that way though. Flattered and a little bit weirded out.

So to be clear, I am in fact, a male. My name is Merlin Emrys. Not Merlinne, Merlyn, Meryl, Megan, Melian, Marilyn, Sherlin, Emery, Emily, Emme, Eira, Evanna, Emlyn, Ryesen, or Reece. _Merlin Emrys._

Sincerely,

Merlynn- I mean MERLIN


	8. Chapter 8

**我没有自己梅林，我永远也不会。**

Dear Fanfiction,

Don't knock my love of apples. What we have is sacred. I know you guys love to pair me with all and sundry, but my first and truest love is for those beautiful crimson orbs, those glorious verdant globes, those-

I mean, ahem, I like apples.

Sincerely,

Gwaine

P.S.

You know what they say about an apple a day keeping the goblins away? Mm-hm.


	9. Chapter 9

**merlin wej lach'eghDI' jIH 'ej not vIneH.**

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Dear Fanfiction,

There's nothing wrong with the way I dress. It's technically uniform. You can't judge me. I just don't like sleeves, is all. It's worth the multitude of easily preventable injuries. I'm not trying to impress anyone. We're just colleagues. Stop asking questions!

Sincerely,

Percival

P.S.

If you had guns like these, you'd want to show 'em too, am I right?


	10. Chapter 10

**Uin garn Aeronost, a im ú thel.**

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Dear Fanfiction,

Awww! Merlin is just the most precious thing ever! Thank you so much for writing these, he's adorable!

Sincerely,

Gwen

Dear Fanfiction,

I've just come from reading some kid!fics, and I have to say, well done. I am the cutest thing on the face of this flat earth, thank you very much.

Sincerely,

Merlin

Dear Fanfiction,

Wow, it would be a lot easier to kill Emrys if he was a kid. I should look into that.

Sincerely,

Morgana


End file.
